WATCH OUT FILM FREAKS: THIS IS ALL (R)-RATED CONTENT & SHIT
INTRODUCTION
SPECIAL NOTICE: This Introductory Blog is intended to be humorous. If you don't find it funny, there's something seriously fucking wrong with you.
EVEN BIGGER SPECIAL NOTICE TO ALL FILM FREAKS: This Blog contains hidden mysteries which can only be revealed by reading it while stoned, drunk, or recovering from a frontal lobe injury. Uncover those mysteries and you'll win something extra special.
Greetings fellow Film Freaks;
In this my first ever Blog on subjects relevant to the wild world of Wannabe Inde Filmmaking, and in particular, my own stunningly magnificent talents in the field, I’m gonna be laying all kinds of interesting shit on you for your own personal edification and potential education. And if that don’t happen, maybe at least you’ll do something useful with your sad ass excuse of a life and tell your non-asshole friends if you have any, to come check out my mother fuck’n Butt-Log. (What the fuck does “Blog” mean anyhow? I think it means Butt-Log, because you know the guy who invented that word takes it up the Boy Cunt; right?)
So, let’s tap that ass shaped brain of yours for a sec, see if there's anything worth a damn up in there. Whether it’s floating on the surface like a fresh morning turd after a long night of beans and corn, or it’s just stuck somewhere deep down in the muck of your subconscious, you are asking the question already, and if you have an IQ in excess of 85 points, you'll be asking the question again and again, “Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” --- Now, that’s a good fuck’n question.
I, dear Film Freaks, am a big fat fuck’n no body. At least, that is, where breaking into the Film Industry without any fuck’n connections be concerned. But, I’ve lived far more than just your basic everyday rich, full, astonishingly interesting life, and I’m enjoying the hell out of the process of working towards that day when those who say, “No Unauthorized Materials Accepted,” realize just what a profoundly talented and immensely humble man they’ve been so coldly rejecting; --- the fucks. (I mean that in a good way)
SPECIAL NOTICE: This Introductory Blog is intended to be humorous. If you don't find it funny, there's something seriously fucking wrong with you.
EVEN BIGGER SPECIAL NOTICE TO ALL FILM FREAKS: This Blog contains hidden mysteries which can only be revealed by reading it while stoned, drunk, or recovering from a frontal lobe injury. Uncover those mysteries and you'll win something extra special.
Greetings fellow Film Freaks;
In this my first ever Blog on subjects relevant to the wild world of Wannabe Inde Filmmaking, and in particular, my own stunningly magnificent talents in the field, I’m gonna be laying all kinds of interesting shit on you for your own personal edification and potential education. And if that don’t happen, maybe at least you’ll do something useful with your sad ass excuse of a life and tell your non-asshole friends if you have any, to come check out my mother fuck’n Butt-Log. (What the fuck does “Blog” mean anyhow? I think it means Butt-Log, because you know the guy who invented that word takes it up the Boy Cunt; right?)
So, let’s tap that ass shaped brain of yours for a sec, see if there's anything worth a damn up in there. Whether it’s floating on the surface like a fresh morning turd after a long night of beans and corn, or it’s just stuck somewhere deep down in the muck of your subconscious, you are asking the question already, and if you have an IQ in excess of 85 points, you'll be asking the question again and again, “Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” --- Now, that’s a good fuck’n question.
I, dear Film Freaks, am a big fat fuck’n no body. At least, that is, where breaking into the Film Industry without any fuck’n connections be concerned. But, I’ve lived far more than just your basic everyday rich, full, astonishingly interesting life, and I’m enjoying the hell out of the process of working towards that day when those who say, “No Unauthorized Materials Accepted,” realize just what a profoundly talented and immensely humble man they’ve been so coldly rejecting; --- the fucks. (I mean that in a good way)
SO --- WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?
Good question, you potty mouthed freak ya.
Being stoned as you are, you may have missed the name:
Remember that name dear Film Freaks,
because one of these days you’re going to not only be watching my Movies,
but shitting yourself over how mind blowingly incredible they truly are. And I want you to feel free, on that day when I’m all decked out in my Important Mother Fucker Tux, walking the Red Carpet towards my latest Premiere, to come up to me and say, “Hey Rick, KICCASS dude; I used to read your Blog back when you were a big fat fuck’n No Body.” And then I’ll blow you off, proving I’ve really made it as a Big Time Holey Shit Film Fucker, while some oversized security fuck named Bruiser crawls all up in your shit like a Pimp on a day late Crack Whore.
But for now, I live humbly in a dilapidated old fuck’n Mobilehome tucked away in the rolling wooded hills of East Texas, where the towns are small, and the minds of the people living in them are even smaller. Out here, in order to qualify as a Town you’re required by law to have at least two competing Churches of the Baptist Franchise, a Dairy Queen employing at least one gal named Kristal, a Gas Station with a mechanic named Bubba, and a drooling mother fucking retard who roams up and down Main Street all day alternating between picking his nose and debating with tree stumps.
In a town not far from me, the Town Retard up and died one day; poor guy never could quite make out the difference between a cow and a bull. A cow will just stand there like nothings happening (is what they tell me); a Bull ain't taking nothing up it's ass. Anyhow, the Town lost their Town Retard and with him their right to be a Town. So the Mayor had to recruit a new retard from a Dallas psych ward. Rumor has it the job pays better than out at the Walfart (name cahnged to protect my ass). I was wondering why they drove all the way to Dallas when all the best retards already work at the Walfart. Anyone of them would have jumped at the chance to step up to a better job, I'm sure.
Anyhow Film Freak’s, I don’t live in town. Where I live there’s more fuck’n squirrels than there are people. Strange digs for a guy who grow up in Miami half naked and water skiing. I think I moved here because I got sick of being driven off the road by Yiddish midgets who couldn’t see over the steering wheel of their shiny new Lincoln's. I do miss the Cuban Coffee though. And, truth be told, out here in the country I go all naked; which is nice.
Point here is; I live way far away from everyone and anything to do with the Film Biz. So when I do get my break, you know I fuck’n had to bust a nut to get it. --- KICCASS.
But for now, I live humbly in a dilapidated old fuck’n Mobilehome tucked away in the rolling wooded hills of East Texas, where the towns are small, and the minds of the people living in them are even smaller. Out here, in order to qualify as a Town you’re required by law to have at least two competing Churches of the Baptist Franchise, a Dairy Queen employing at least one gal named Kristal, a Gas Station with a mechanic named Bubba, and a drooling mother fucking retard who roams up and down Main Street all day alternating between picking his nose and debating with tree stumps.
In a town not far from me, the Town Retard up and died one day; poor guy never could quite make out the difference between a cow and a bull. A cow will just stand there like nothings happening (is what they tell me); a Bull ain't taking nothing up it's ass. Anyhow, the Town lost their Town Retard and with him their right to be a Town. So the Mayor had to recruit a new retard from a Dallas psych ward. Rumor has it the job pays better than out at the Walfart (name cahnged to protect my ass). I was wondering why they drove all the way to Dallas when all the best retards already work at the Walfart. Anyone of them would have jumped at the chance to step up to a better job, I'm sure.
Anyhow Film Freak’s, I don’t live in town. Where I live there’s more fuck’n squirrels than there are people. Strange digs for a guy who grow up in Miami half naked and water skiing. I think I moved here because I got sick of being driven off the road by Yiddish midgets who couldn’t see over the steering wheel of their shiny new Lincoln's. I do miss the Cuban Coffee though. And, truth be told, out here in the country I go all naked; which is nice.
Point here is; I live way far away from everyone and anything to do with the Film Biz. So when I do get my break, you know I fuck’n had to bust a nut to get it. --- KICCASS.
BUTT SERIOUSLY FILM FREAKS
Before I get all serious and shit, I just want to clarify that I’m not a Retard Bigot or anything. Fact is; I like Retards just fine. Many of my best friends, and every President we’ve had in my lifetime, were all Retards. Shit, if there weren’t any Retards in the world, I don’t know what the fuck I’d do. I mean, you can blame a Tard for just about everything you fuck up, and they just smile that precious retard smile of theirs.
Alright, serious shit now. Here’s a bit of a Bio, a little something more about my favorite topic: the ever humble, profoundly talented, me. I’m 53. Now that you know that, take a look at my picture again. I’m blessed to be one of those freaks of nature that just doesn't know how to grow old. Shit, my Dad’s in his Eighties and he only has three fuck’n gray hairs, and they're all in his left ear.
I thoroughly possess the zestful energy of twenty five year old in the middle of his second affair. I work seven days a week and don’t take many breaks because I genuinely love everything I do; except maybe for paying taxes, which sucks. Hell, I still get morning wood, like, twice a day.
Anyhow, over twenty-five years my life had been centered around giving aid to the hurting, homeless, addicted and destitute, out of both my own personal resources and home. Back in 2004, I myself had suffered a crushing personal loss, which forced me to reevaluate things. An Insurance Adjuster specializing in Catastrophic Events by profession, after my assignment into Hurricane Katrina I decided to make a radical change in my life, at age 50, to return to my first love, my Art and Music, and to pursue a long ago misplaced and passionate desire to make Motion Pictures.
SIDE NOTE: My profession required extensive travel, long stays away from home, 7 day work weeks, 12 to 18 hour days, working in often dangerous locations; a 50/50 mix of days in the field and extensive paper work in the evenings. Try to tell me I don't have the balls to be a Director of fine Film fare.
BEFORE YOU CAN SHOOT & SCORE, YA GOTTA HAVA A GOAL
Some wise ass mother fucker once said; and I remembered it: “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” Back in the day, we kids used to kick the shit out of all the Philosophers in the neighborhood. But this guy, he’s on to something I think. I mean, even if you’re just talking getting laid; right? No goal, no payoff.
It is certainly no curse that I possess a highly potent imagination, in addition to both a profound sense of humor and irony. New Screenplay ideas come to me naturally, and in the development and writing process I quite literally see in my minds eye these places and people as they go about their experiences and dialog with each other. When I’m in the throes of the writing process I turn out on average 4 pages a day. (Do the math. For an average Script page count of 120 pages, that equates to completing a first draft in 30 days). I see the Movie playing in my mind; overhear what the Characters are saying, and simply write down what I see and hear. I don’t know if that means I’m fucked in the head or not. It’s not like I’m hearing it in 5.1 or anything.
That said, some days better than others. I often find in the Polishing that more than one of the Characters sounds way too much like me. Cool thing about Directing what you write is that after you’ve Cast the right talent, and cut them loose on the Character, it becomes that bigger better thing you always intended but can’t really write; right?
So in the read it sounds to me like me. But that won’t be the case in the Finished Film. Just the same, a great deal of the work I put into Polishing is in developing each of the Characters own voice; how each person in a scene relates to others through their own unique, or perhaps completely American generic speech patterns and Ismizations.
On my first Screenplay titled THE CHOSEN, I actually turned a 40 page day one day. Sitting in that damn chair for 16 hours fucked up my body so bad I can tell you I’ll never do that again. --- Anyhow; the Polishing Process on each of my first drafts takes upwards of another solid month to complete. Before I’m willing to hand a Spec Script over to anyone else to read, I will have read over every page as many as 100 times, important Scenes even more, making changes as I go. Amongst all my many other profound and humble talents, I’m also a mind blowing Painter of KICCASS Paintings. When I paint I look at the Painting for many hours; study every line, the way things flow together, oppose each other, and amalgamate. Like when I sharpen a blade; run my finger over the edge; feel a burr. When my eye lands on a burr in the esthetic, I paint, continuing this process until that time that my eye is thrilled by every beat of the viewing. Likewise, when I’m reading in the Polishing Process and I hit any manner of burr; in the Character, the Plot, continuity, timing, dialog, anything; I write. --- It takes about a month of Polishing for me to bring that first draft to a point where when I read it through, it reads sharp; no burrs.
Some wise ass mother fucker once said; and I remembered it: “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” Back in the day, we kids used to kick the shit out of all the Philosophers in the neighborhood. But this guy, he’s on to something I think. I mean, even if you’re just talking getting laid; right? No goal, no payoff.
It is certainly no curse that I possess a highly potent imagination, in addition to both a profound sense of humor and irony. New Screenplay ideas come to me naturally, and in the development and writing process I quite literally see in my minds eye these places and people as they go about their experiences and dialog with each other. When I’m in the throes of the writing process I turn out on average 4 pages a day. (Do the math. For an average Script page count of 120 pages, that equates to completing a first draft in 30 days). I see the Movie playing in my mind; overhear what the Characters are saying, and simply write down what I see and hear. I don’t know if that means I’m fucked in the head or not. It’s not like I’m hearing it in 5.1 or anything.
That said, some days better than others. I often find in the Polishing that more than one of the Characters sounds way too much like me. Cool thing about Directing what you write is that after you’ve Cast the right talent, and cut them loose on the Character, it becomes that bigger better thing you always intended but can’t really write; right?
So in the read it sounds to me like me. But that won’t be the case in the Finished Film. Just the same, a great deal of the work I put into Polishing is in developing each of the Characters own voice; how each person in a scene relates to others through their own unique, or perhaps completely American generic speech patterns and Ismizations.
On my first Screenplay titled THE CHOSEN, I actually turned a 40 page day one day. Sitting in that damn chair for 16 hours fucked up my body so bad I can tell you I’ll never do that again. --- Anyhow; the Polishing Process on each of my first drafts takes upwards of another solid month to complete. Before I’m willing to hand a Spec Script over to anyone else to read, I will have read over every page as many as 100 times, important Scenes even more, making changes as I go. Amongst all my many other profound and humble talents, I’m also a mind blowing Painter of KICCASS Paintings. When I paint I look at the Painting for many hours; study every line, the way things flow together, oppose each other, and amalgamate. Like when I sharpen a blade; run my finger over the edge; feel a burr. When my eye lands on a burr in the esthetic, I paint, continuing this process until that time that my eye is thrilled by every beat of the viewing. Likewise, when I’m reading in the Polishing Process and I hit any manner of burr; in the Character, the Plot, continuity, timing, dialog, anything; I write. --- It takes about a month of Polishing for me to bring that first draft to a point where when I read it through, it reads sharp; no burrs.
HANG'N DOWN ON JUMP STREET
That’s The Starting Line for you dumb fucks who don’t speak New Yorker.
Even though I really couldn’t at the time envision turning away from my previous life to pursue what has all the qualities of a really stupid thing to do; of quitting a lucrative career to go after something so beyond my present grasp, knowing from my vast life’s experience that actually achieving my goals were going to be one hell of a bitch to pull off. Deep down within me, before I had it firmly fixed in my mind that this would be the course I would take, I had very innocently started the process of preparation through ever increasing personal study of all things Film, and of the Industry’s ways, as far back as 2001.
Now that I’m actively engaged in writing, first one Screenplay then the next, I have slowed down in my viewing of Films, and now only watch 3 most every night between 11pm and 3am. But, for two years solid, throughout 06 and 07, I would watch in excess of a thousand Films a year; some weekends five Films back to back. Films of every Genre and quality. And I’m not just watching these Movies, I study them. What works magnificently; what’s OK; what sucks major drippy dick. The way the camera moves or remains fixed; the lighting; the acting, of course; the way it’s cut together; the use of both Diagetic and Non-Diagetic sound. -- KICCASS.
BEFORE YOU CAN SHOOT & SCORE, YA GOTTA HAVA A GOAL (cont’d)
My Business Plan of Action was first to have something to show. As of this moment, that something is now 4 brilliantly conceived Screenplays that are perfectly fit and ready for Production. In addition to these master works of cinematic prose I have 1 that I’m 70 pages into, and one equally brilliant idea that's presently in Development.
My next goal, the target I’m fixed on now, is to secure aggressive Representation, an Agent with both the balls and connections in the Industry to make a budding career come to fruition. The 5 year plan is that I’ll be Directing my own Comedic Screenplays, building my business on the models of Adam Sandler, The Farrelly Brothers, and Judd Apatow.
However, as much as I love Comedy, I have so much more percolating within me that’s just bursting to hit the page and Big Screen. That said, my only other interests are for the Horror Genre, developing Screenplays that in my estimation more closely resemble the horrors and mysteries of real people stuck in really horribly fucked up circumstances. So, the plan is to sell my Horror Scripts for others to Direct, and will Direct my Comedies myself.
AT’SA RAP FILM FREAKS
Here is but a taste of the profoundly brilliant Screenplay's I have written:
WAREHOUSER - (R); High Concept Comedy
A gag per page rambunctious stoner piece set in a lively secluded warehouse complex.
Heart broken by the untimely loss of his parent's, and the bizarre death of his bastard alcoholic boss, good guy Jeff Warehouser takes up residence in the warehouse, discovers a booty of hidden cash, transforming the lives of his odd band of warehouse compatriots.
ANTENNA MAN - (PG-13); High Concept Fantasy Comedy
Film School Student Brent Ariel is transformer into a reluctant Superhero when the Cell Tower he leans against is struck by lightning. Now supercharged with a Magnetic Force Field, and able to hear cell phone signals in his head, he and his whacky crew set out to do battle with the evil Doctor Gammaradon, who is convinced that Brent contains the secret to a cheep source of electrical power.
DEVIL'S WOOD - (R); Mystery/Thriller/Horror
Two life long friend's Pete and Frank, destined for the FBI, home on Spring Break, are pressed with a moral dilemma when they discover Pete's mother has cancer and canceled her health insurance to make his tuition.
Lured by the promise of cheep potent weed, they find themselves lost in the deep woods, at the mercy of a cult of cannibal's, and the tree dwelling demons they worship.
THE CHOSEN - (PG-13); Spiritual/Mystery/Drama
Turned off to God by the gross hypocrites of the church people he's witnessed throughout his life, a good at the core, salt of the earth rugged man, is pursued by a mysterious disappearing man, witnessed unspeakable miracles, and is tagged by God, the most reluctant Prophet ever Chosen.
MODERN DAY SANTA - (R); High Concept Comedy
Deadly hack golfer and wealthy Jewish rogue of a Country Club owner, Christopher Cringlestein, discovers the truth of his bizarre childhood and ends up playing Santa to a rundown Orphanage operated by his father's ex-lover. - Inspired by CADDY SHACK, but far more hilarious.
Deadly hack golfer and wealthy Jewish rogue of a Country Club owner, Christopher Cringlestein, discovers the truth of his bizarre childhood and ends up playing Santa to a rundown Orphanage operated by his father's ex-lover. - Inspired by CADDY SHACK, but far more hilarious.
PHOBIA -(R); Mystery/Action/Horror
Now successful adults, six former teen psych patients, each with their own phobia, are invited to a secluded Island Resort for a tenth year anniversary reunion, only to discover that they have become trapped in an abandoned Military Bunker turned deadly labyrinth from which they must work together and against their deepest fears to escape live. In order to succeed they must unlock the mystery: Who put them in this situation, and why?
KICCASS
Now successful adults, six former teen psych patients, each with their own phobia, are invited to a secluded Island Resort for a tenth year anniversary reunion, only to discover that they have become trapped in an abandoned Military Bunker turned deadly labyrinth from which they must work together and against their deepest fears to escape live. In order to succeed they must unlock the mystery: Who put them in this situation, and why?
KICCASS
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